I was praying on my way back to work from the bank. When I am alone in my car I either pray or sing…both out loud.
I pray for my family and friends, and my kids especially.
But this time, I was praying for myself, my destiny, my longings. Asking God what my future holds. I have so many questions. You see, it seems that I somehow got sidetracked from my real life.
I was not meant to be a widow at 49…was I?
Two years later, my father-in-law came for a visit. Within ten minutes he says he needs to talk to me about something important. Of course, I think something awful, like he’s sick, or possibly something worse.
He sees the fear in my eyes, sits me down, gently takes my hand in his and tells me that I am young (I chuckle) and I need to put some serious thought into finding someone new. And all that comes into my head is “it’s too soon!” Seriously, its two years to the day! I laugh it off with words like “who would be interested in me?”…”I’m messed up”…”I may never be un-messed up”.
Fear, that’s what it really is. I have lived with fear on various levels for over two years now.
Fear of losing…something…everything…being alone…starting over…the list goes on and on if I choose to let it.
That day in the car I talked with God about mistakes and wrong decisions I had made in my life. I talked about what I thought His plan was for me, the plan I screwed up because I thought I knew better, the plan I chose not to follow. But a plan that I hope He still has in mind for me. It can’t be too late, can it? For THAT plan? Then it hit me! I am holding on, with all the strength I can muster, to something God wants me to let go of. Can I let go? Do I want to let go? If I’m honest, no, I don’t…but I must!
I let go that day. I gave it back to Him. I literally opened my hands and let go…tears streaming the entire time. It wasn’t easy, I am human after all.
God asked me to give it all to Him. I did. I trust He’s going to do something amazing!