On My Way Back To Work

I was praying on my way back to work from the bank.  When I am alone in my car I either pray or sing…both out loud.

I pray for my family and friends, and my kids especially.

But this time, I was praying for myself, my destiny, my longings.  Asking God what my future holds.  I have so many questions.  You see, it seems that I somehow got sidetracked from my real life.

I was not meant to be a widow at 49…was I?

Two years later, my father-in-law came for a visit.  Within ten minutes he says he needs to talk to me about something important.  Of course, I think something awful, like he’s sick, or possibly something worse.

He sees the fear in my eyes, sits me down, gently takes my hand in his and tells me that I am young (I chuckle) and I need to put some serious thought into finding someone new.  And all that comes into my head is “it’s too soon!”  Seriously, its two years to the day!  I laugh it off with words like “who would be interested in me?”…”I’m messed up”…”I may never be un-messed up”.

Fear, that’s what it really is.  I have lived with fear on various levels for over two years now.

Fear of losing…something…everything…being alone…starting over…the list goes on and on if I choose to let it.

That day in the car I talked with God about mistakes and wrong decisions I had made in my life.  I talked about what I thought His plan was for me, the plan I screwed up because I thought I knew better, the plan I chose not to follow.  But a plan that I hope He still has in mind for me.  It can’t be too late, can it?  For THAT plan?  Then it hit me!  I am holding on, with all the strength I can muster, to something God wants me to let go of.  Can I let go?  Do I want to let go?  If I’m honest, no, I don’t…but I must!

I let go that day.  I gave it back to Him.  I literally opened my hands and let go…tears streaming the entire time.  It wasn’t easy, I am human after all.

God asked me to give it all to Him.  I did.  I trust He’s going to do something amazing!



This entry was posted in faith, life and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to On My Way Back To Work

  1. Pingback: On My Way Back To Work | Sparrow and Lily

  2. Anonymous says:

    Good for you Tracey! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers – I’m off work till 1/8/14 – call me and let’s catch up!!

  3. Jo Agrusa says:

    Woops! Post is from Jo!!

  4. Kelly says:

    Yes, Tracey, God does have a plan and there is someone out there for you. I am sure the last two years have been so ahrd on you, but you do have 2 amazing kids, and the respect they have for you, whether you see it or not, is evindent in how they conduct themselves. Two years is a good amount of time. But you also have to open your eyes, because that special someone may already be in your life.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Loved reading this, Tray! I know how much you have suffered, and I am always amazed at how you always come around to knowing God is right there with you and is working out his plan. We haven’t gone through anything as difficult as you, but we are feeling much of the same thing. Warren has so gifted and talented, yet he is a courier right now. I keep asking God “why” as well. We have so much to offer, but it is all being put on hold. I will be thinking of you and coming along side of you, hoping for you and knowing that as hard as it is, there is a great reward. Love you!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s