On My Way Back To Work

I was praying on my way back to work from the bank.  When I am alone in my car I either pray or sing…both out loud.

I pray for my family and friends, and my kids especially.

But this time, I was praying for myself, my destiny, my longings.  Asking God what my future holds.  I have so many questions.  You see, it seems that I somehow got sidetracked from my real life.

I was not meant to be a widow at 49…was I?

Two years later, my father-in-law came for a visit.  Within ten minutes he says he needs to talk to me about something important.  Of course, I think something awful, like he’s sick, or possibly something worse.

He sees the fear in my eyes, sits me down, gently takes my hand in his and tells me that I am young (I chuckle) and I need to put some serious thought into finding someone new.  And all that comes into my head is “it’s too soon!”  Seriously, its two years to the day!  I laugh it off with words like “who would be interested in me?”…”I’m messed up”…”I may never be un-messed up”.

Fear, that’s what it really is.  I have lived with fear on various levels for over two years now.

Fear of losing…something…everything…being alone…starting over…the list goes on and on if I choose to let it.

That day in the car I talked with God about mistakes and wrong decisions I had made in my life.  I talked about what I thought His plan was for me, the plan I screwed up because I thought I knew better, the plan I chose not to follow.  But a plan that I hope He still has in mind for me.  It can’t be too late, can it?  For THAT plan?  Then it hit me!  I am holding on, with all the strength I can muster, to something God wants me to let go of.  Can I let go?  Do I want to let go?  If I’m honest, no, I don’t…but I must!

I let go that day.  I gave it back to Him.  I literally opened my hands and let go…tears streaming the entire time.  It wasn’t easy, I am human after all.

God asked me to give it all to Him.  I did.  I trust He’s going to do something amazing!